GROWN APART SECTION GROWING APART SECTION
Relationship Advice

Free Relationship Advice

Join our messageboards, meet new people and share help and support

I'm about to let you know the real reasons why men in relationships so often act this way... and what to do about it.

I'm also about to explain why so many women end up in unfulfilling relationships with men who "TAKE TAKE TAKE", and why these women so often end up getting little back for all their efforts.

First off, tell me if this sounds at all familiar...

You meet a great guy and you start dating.

The "chemistry" is simply AMAZING and you can't believe how into connecting and sharing he is...even on that emotional level where other men often fall flat.

You spend time together and keep growing closer, and you start to believe that maybe you've finally found that amazing friend, companion and lover all in one.

He's so open and caring... listens and pays attention to you and what's going with you in a way that few men you've met can.

Your connection is unbelievable.

You both know you can count on each other in ways that feel like you're closer than you have been with a man in a long, long time.

Since you're both so close, he starts to depend on you for a few things in his life... and you're happy to help him since you really care about him and are a generous and loving person.

But, as time goes on, something starts to slowly "shift."

It starts with small things...

He starts acting a little differently, and stops doing a lot of the things he used to do that made you admire and respect him.

Somehow, he seems less confident, present, and "connected" with you.

And then you notice...

There's something different about how he depends on you, and it sets off your "radar."

You start to wonder if how he is with you is entirely healthy.

You start to feel "drained" with him and with the relationship more and more... but you know that a relationship is about give and take, so you keep giving and have faith that things are going fine.

More time passes and you start to notice something else...

You see that he isn't becoming more appreciative of all the things you're doing for
him and your relationship.

In fact, it feels like he's starting to take more and more of it for granted.

Actually, he seems LESS APPRECIATIVE of you and your relationship in general.

He starts asking and depending on you even more, without any real thanks or reciprocation.

The more he does this, the more you sense that there's a kind of needy "childishness" inside him that's becoming clearer.

You want to be there for him and be a great partner... but you also want that fun, strong, playful, loving, confident man back who was there before things changed.

With all this going on, you're not exactly sure of what to do about it or what's going on for him that's making him act this way.

He doesn't seem to pay you the same attention, give the same affection and support that you give him, and it's starting to feel unfair and bother you.

Your relationship is starting to feel like it's all about making sure "he's" happy.

Which of course doesn't leave much room for what's going on for YOU.

You know things can't go on this way if your relationship is going to work and be something worthwhile and "real."

He's got to see what's going on and stop being so self-involved.

You know that he's had some challenges in his own life and maybe he just doesn't see what's going on. So, you decide to not make a big deal out of it. But, you know that something needs to change... soon.

So, you finally decide to talk to him about what's going on.

You go over in your head again and again what you're going to say to him and what's been going on for the last several months.

You're sure that he'll see what's been happening and all the things you've been doing for him and the relationship, and he'll give you some understanding.

But when you talk to him, it doesn't work out this way... AT ALL.

Instead of hearing you and your intentions to get things back to a better place between you two, he just becomes frustrated, irritated and
DEFENSIVE with you.

Instead of hearing you, he makes you feel like you're "nagging" him and creating "drama."

He even acts like you're the one being ridiculous and withdraws from you.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

This situation where you know you're giving and getting less than nothing back STINKS.

And unfortunately, it's a common experience lots of women have in relationships with men.

Now, there are about 50 things I could tell you about how men are at fault and create these problems for themselves and for you in your relationship.

But the reality is that you've already spent hours thinking about this before and have a lot of your own ideas about it.

That is partially why I'm NOT going to talk about what's going on with men here and what to do about it.

At least not yet.

Right now we're going to talk about YOU.

Why?

Because thinking about YOURSELF is the first step towards real GROWTH and AWARENESS in EVERY RELATIONSHIP you have in your life.

You could spend days, weeks, months or years worrying about a man, what he thinks, and why he does the things he does.

But if you want to be smart...

And you want relationships to start "working" for you, instead of seeming like a never ending source of frustration and disappointment trying to get a man to make the relationship work...

Then you'll make sure you have things handled for yourself first.

And that way you'll have the CERTAINTY that only comes from understanding what's happening in the relationship around you... and what YOU need to do in each situation that comes up with a man.

THE ONE QUESTION THAT CAN CHANGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP
WITH A MAN INSTANTLY

If you're at the most basic levels of what I call "emotional maturity" in your life, then you've started to recognize something very important and significant about yourself...

You've recognized that you have a few PATTERNS coming up in your relationships.

Of course, some of these patterns are positive traits that bring benefits, center around your personal preferences, and involve things you bring into your life CONSCIOUSLY and for good reason.

But the reality is these aren't the only kind of patterns you have in your life.

You also have a special group of "negative patterns."

Patterns that you save just for MEN.

So, let me ask you a very simple question.

It's a question that could very well change the course of your love life IMMEDIATELY once you answer it.

Here's the question - Do you know your "negative patterns" in relationships with men?

You might have a few of these that you already know about that you can rattle off in your head right now without really thinking about it.

THESE ARE NOT THE PATTERNS I'M LOOKING FOR TO IMPROVE YOUR LOVE LIFE.

You already know about these patterns and this knowledge still doesn't seem to be helping you if you're running into the same issues and situations again and again.

Which is why it's obvious that "what" you already know isn't going to help you learn and grow past these situations with men for good.

You need to expand your PERSPECTIVE.

That's why I'm looking for the patterns that you DON'T see right now, and that you aren't CONSCIOUS of.

Here's where we're going to take ACTION...

Right now, I want you to give yourself the time and space for the next 5 minutes to think about your own patterns in your past or present relationships with men.

And, I want you to put everything else aside just for a few short moments while you focus on YOURSELF.

By the way, if you don't have time to do this now, then you probably never will.

And I know it's a simple question, but the AWARENESS and GROWTH that can come from your answer is what's going to change your love life immediately.

So now that you've made the time, I want you to think about the following -

I want you to come up with at least TWO of your own negative relationship patterns with men.

And I don't just mean patterns that are really about men... such as "I always pick men who are clueless about loving relationships."

This is focusing on HIM, not YOU.

I mean something like "I meet men and quickly spend all my time with them. But soon I see that I've "lost myself" and I am not able to have a healthy balance. And inevitably, we end up breaking up and I resent all the time I spent on the relationship and him, instead of spending more time on myself."

That's one common example lots of women have experienced.

Now, it's your turn.

I want you to come up with 2 other patterns that have to do with YOU and things that come from YOUR THINKING or BEHAVIOR.

I'm going to give you a few minutes to do it now. I'm going to give you another minute to make sure you have your two patterns.

OK. So now you have two clear patterns of your own in your head.

Take out a pen and a piece of paper right now and write down the patterns you identified.

Do it now, I'll wait.

Good.

I want you to keep this piece of paper somewhere you can look at it again in a few days or weeks.

It will be important to look at what you wrote down again at least once in the next few days.

DEVELOPING CONSCIOUSNESS TO MOVE PAST YOUR NEGATIVE AND SELF-DEFEATING "PATTERNS" IN RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN

Now that you've got your two negative patterns, here's where things are going to start coming together for you...

First, I need you to get away from a dangerous kind of thinking that ALL WOMEN engage in when it comes to men, dating and relationships.

I call it "All-or-Nothing Thinking."

Do you know any women who talk about how their relationship is hopeless and a complete failure...

And then a few hours or days later they have shifted 180 degrees to where EVERYTHING is great?

What does this say about the woman who thinks and feels this way?

What kind of relationship and communication "skills" does a woman like this have?

And how do you think a man experiences this kind of thinking and behavior... and what does it say to him about a woman?

Of course, this is an extreme example of "All-or-Nothing Thinking."

Unfortunately, the more common "All-or-Nothing Thinking" is subtle and difficult to recognize.

Especially when YOU are the one having the thoughts.

So, let me ask you...

When you look at your pattern, is there a negative trait or habit of yours that stands out as the one that gets you into trouble the most?

I'm certain there is. I want you to identify at least one of your greatest WEAKNESSES that shows up in your life through your negative patterns.

I'll give you a minute to write this down next to the pattern it's associated with.

Now there's something I want you to think about...

It makes sense to cut this negative trait or habit that's associated with your pattern out of your relationship and behavior with a man... right?

It's caused a lot of these problems... right?

If you cut these traits or qualities out of the way you are in a relationship with a man, then things will be better... right?

WRONG... What if the problems that come up in your negative pattern are caused by these traits?

And what if the traits in your negative pattern didn't represent just your personal WEAKNESSES?

What if they ALSO represented your personal STRENGTHS at the same time?

If you were thinking that you should get rid of the trait or quality entirely that's involved in your negative pattern so that things will work better in the future... then you're going to that place of "All-or-Nothing Thinking."

Talk about throwing out the baby with the bath water.

Over the years I've recognized that there's a fascinating mistake TONS of people make in relationships, in business, and in every aspect of life...

When something isn't working and they want to fix a problem, they don't look at the entire "system" around them.

Instead, they focus their attention on the "symptoms" they see, in isolation.

Some people complain about "Western Medicine" having the same shortcoming. That it only addresses symptoms, instead of taking a "holistic" approach to how everything works together.

Anyway... when a person is trying to fix a problem in a relationship, by not seeing the entire "system" going on around them, they can't see how all the elements are inter-connected.

So, when they go to make a change, they think they can change what's related to the symptoms and everything will work better.

This is like thinking blowing your nose will cure a cold.

What's worse, oftentimes the things that people change not only don't work to fix the problem...

But ends up making things WORSE by affecting all the other related and inter connected things that WERE WORKING.

Talk about COUNTERPRODUCTIVE...  Don't start solving problems and changing your relationship when you can only see the "symptoms." There's a better way.

You need to start looking at the whole "system" of how you and a man connect and communicate in your relationship.

You need to develop your own "holistic" approach.

Then you'll have the PERSPECTIVE to make choices and take action that will bring more connection and understanding into your life.

So how can you start to see your own relationship with a man as the "system" that it is?  And how can you avoid the dead end strategy of trying to cover up the "symptoms"? Here's a step towards this that you can take RIGHT NOW...

I'm going to get you out of the habit of using your destructive "All-or-Nothing Thinking."

I want you to look at your trait or traits again that were your own WEAKNESSES in your negative relationship pattern.

Now I want you to try something that might seem strange at first.

I want you to identify at least one way in which your trait or habit in your negative relationship pattern is also a STRENGTH.

I'll give you a minute to see how the very trait that you just identified as a WEAKNESS is also a STRENGTH.

I want you to write the STRENGTH down right now next to the pattern it's associated with.

Go ahead. I'll give you a few minutes.

......................................

OK, good.

There's a lot of power and AWARENESS created in what you just did when you think about it - IF you stay aware of this when you're interacting with a man in your relationship.

When you see how your WEAKNESSES, that you've been giving yourself a hard time about and trying to figure out how to get rid of, are also part of your STRENGTHS... things you never could have understood will start to become clear to you.

Challenges, issues, attitudes and hurtful things that a man brings to you that relate to your patterns, and these traits will start to look differently to you...

And you'll start to have an amazing sense of CLARITY about what's the best thing to do for you, for him, and for your relationship.

A "STRANGE TRUTH" ABOUT THE PEOPLE AND RELATIONSHIPS YOU ATTRACT IN LIFE AND LOVE

You've got some basic tools to work with now to understand more about what's going on with you and your relationship.

But it really only starts here.

Are you CLEAR on how these 2 patterns come up in your life?

Do you know how to avoid "All or Nothing Thinking" the next time it comes up and tries to create DISTANCE between you and a man?

Do you know where these thoughts come from and what to do to stay conscious and overcome the negative aspects of your other destructive relationship patterns?

Do you know how to guide a man to start doing these same things to improve HIMSELF and the way he is in your relationship, so you don't have to try and convince him of what's going on that he can't see or isn't paying attention to?

Most women who aren't in a happy, healthy, loving, lasting relationship don't have this knowledge and the ability to stay connected with a man that comes along with it.

The strange truth is, patterns aren't just coincidences in your life.

They keep repeating in your life for a reason.

What are the lessons that keep coming up for you in your love life that you can't learn from where you are today, but keep coming at you?

The reality is that you have a choice...

You can keep repeating these patterns, and experiencing the pain and frustration that comes with them again and again...

This is the "easy" choice that doesn't ask or require you to learn and grow at all.

OR...

You can create a "shift" in your life.

You can choose to have more AWARENESS and more GROWTH... which will of course bring new ways of seeing things, and best of all, NEW RESULTS in your relationship.

The choice is yours right now.

If you've ever wondered why you get "stuck" with a man once you get to a certain level of connection and intimacy... and then things seem to go backwards and he withdraws... then this program is going to change your life and your relationship.

One of the most critical things that's going on inside a relationship when a "casual", or even a committed relationship, starts to go wrong, even though there's no lack of love or caring between the man and woman, is FEAR.

And I don't just mean YOUR FEARS... I'm talking about a HIS FEARS, too.

There's a reason why most men pull away and sabotage perfectly good, loving relationships with women.

And there's a reason why YOUR FEARS are only making these things with a man WORSE.

There are clear steps that you can take to change your love life and relationship, no matter where you are right now with a man.

Shifting your PERSPECTIVE and becoming MORE CONSCIOUS is your first step... some of which we've touched on here.

You can stop the unnecessary PATTERNS.

You can come to terms with, and understand, the FEARS.

And you can find out, once and for all, why it is that men so often put up RESISTANCE to becoming more connected, closer and MORE COMMITTED with YOU on a physical and emotional level.

Don't let go of this opportunity to have LASTING CHANGE and IMPROVEMENT to the quality of your love life and all your relationships.

Are you having relationship trouble and in need of advice? Is your partner cheating on you? Are you struggling to make your relationship work? Get help and advice here for free.

Join GrownApart.com to get relationship advice >>

GROWN APART SECTION

Advice on coping with ended relationships...

If you would like help overcoming the pain of ending a relationship, login here and get help, support and advice.

Click here to login >>

GROWING APART SECTION

Relationship help and advice...

If you would like to share relationship help and advice, login here or join.

Click here to login >>

Breaking Up

Advice on how to break up and support for when you and a partner are growing apart.

Growing Apart >>

Divorce

Dealing with divorce

Click here to access the forum >>

Ending a Relationship

Advice on ending a relationship

Click here for advice >>

Break Up Support

Can you offer advice to someone who has recently broke up?

Relaxation Room

Useful Videos and Advice

Legal Problems

Share advice on what to do if you become involved in legal problems due to a broken relationship

Relationship Tips

Lost the spark in your relationship?